For those who know my wife, you are familiar with some of her ways. Her desire for everything to have a correct and proper place; for nothing to be left un-done; for things to be planned and anticipated; for a certain level of cleanliness; for the home that she presents to guests to be one where they feel welcomed and comfortable, where they aren't intruding. You also know that she has very strong emotions that can flare up in... unexpected... ways even in the best of times.
Now, take away her ability to stay on task, take away her strength, take away any semblance that a plan will be kept. Add in continual nausea, a battle to keep the contents of her last meal down (she HATES to vomit) or to go in the right direction, headaches, a state of confusion and a foggy memory (caused by the meds that keep her "comfortable"), continual pain whether her head as her hair falls out in rapid succession or from some strange bruise caused by a misplaced step, and so on and so forth.
I'm really proud of the way she is keeping it together. I can't overstate that. So very proud the way she is fighting this battle. Staying brave for our kids so that they aren't afraid. Trying her best to show a good face to those who come near, especially those who she isn't very comfortable with because they are new or are strangers or just people that we're not close to, but who care. This all adds yet another dimension to the struggle... to people how to look towards God and trust Him in these difficult times and to find the good in the midst of it all... I'm so very proud of her.
But, as with all things, that isn't the reality 24/7. Her fear gets voiced when we're alone and everything gets turned inside out.
My struggle is staying calm and to be comforting to her when those walls shatter. To help her regain that ever flagging mental control. When her strength fails and rationality is at an end. When the fog overwhelms and up is down and good is bad and nothing makes sense. When the reality of cancer is most pressing and she just wants to give in and give up.
Pray for us to make it through those times, for us to look up.
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